Exposed

It’s often depicted that many people only cry out to God in their time of need. When things are going wrong and people feel like their lives are falling apart that’s when they cleave onto God and ask Him to switch their situation around. Most likely, these individuals are encouraged to praise God and seek Him through both the good and the bad. They are encouraged to serve God wholeheartedly even when they do not feel like it. They are reminded that God isn’t a genie waiting to grant their every wish but rather a Being yearning to have relationship with each and every one of His creation.

With me, I’m on a different boat leaving the same destination. I honestly find it difficult to seek God through my bad. When everything is all good and I feel like I have my life together, I put together this nice schedule for myself; I make time for God and I just feel so at peace. Then God in His marvelous ways switches up my life and disrupts my schedule. I then feel like there’s a lack of organization or a disruption in my daily routine and I fall into a depressive slump that makes me shy away from the Lord. When things aren’t peachy in my life, I struggle to pray, I struggle to make time for devotion, and I allow myself to get consumed with an unhealthy sense of uselessness.

I’m definitely in a season where God is testing me to see how I react when my back’s against the wall and I have been failing. I used to claim that I worked well under pressure but once it came to spiritual matters I folded and stumbled the bag. The dark corner where my lack of identity in Christ and lack of faith is hidden, is now being put in the spotlight. So I’m not in the boat with the people asking for guidance through their turbulence but I’m coming from the same place of lacking a relationship with God. I’ve been struggling with this my whole life. Just when I thought I got a grasp of what a relationship with God looked like, I got thrown into the whirlpool of exposure. God exposed how I wanted to have a relationship without talking about the bad, evil, prideful, selfish, lustful mannerism that I kept hidden away. I wanted a relationship without the need to be open and spontaneous. I wanted a relationship that looked like what my peers were caught up in without having to personalize it for myself. I wanted all the good and wanted to leave the bad for myself to handle. But I’m at a point where I can not do this anymore. I don’t know who I thought I was trying to hold all this baggage by myself but my petite 5’2 body is drained and tired.

So now my next step is to find comfort in the uncomfortable. I need to learn to be okay with not having it all mapped out and allow myself to be exposed to the only One who can handle me with care and take this albatross off my back. I need to learn how to praise and bow down even when I don’t want to. This is gonna be interesting but I have to learn to just jump even if I don’t know where I’m gonna land. Y’all don’t know how much anxiety that phrase just conjured inside me, but I’m going to wholeheartedly give this a try and let y’all know how this goes. Of course it won’t end badly because God got me but just let me be dramatic as usual.

“even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬